Belated Ruminations

I know I'm a day late, or well two now, since the clock rolled over as I typed, but I wanted to share. I will NEVER forget where I was when it was all happening. I lived and still live in the mid-west/west, and my family never had a TV going while we ate breakfast, so the first I heard anything was when I got to school. I was a junior. As I stashed my stuff in my locker one of my best friends Vincent came up to me, visibly upset. He is a pretty calm and collected guy, so I knew something was wrong. The conversation went something like this, "Did you see the news this morning?" I shook my head, "Two planes flew into the twin towers." At my quizzical look he said, "The tallest buildings in the world and main trade buildings in New York?"

Then it struck me. My best friend, Amanda, who had a locker by me, her boyfriend McLain and our friend Joel all walked up at that point, hearing what he'd said and McLain said he'd seen it on the TV that morning too.

At that point, the bell rang. That day, all juniors were excused from class. We were excused so we could go down to the Middle School Cafeteria and take... our ASVAB tests. I'll never forget how I felt as I was ushered into that Cafeteria and we were all trying to talk about what had happened and what people that were running late had heard on the radio or seen on the TV.

I'll never forget being pulled apart from most of my friends and escorted to a seat at a big round table and being told, repeatedly to Shut up by our retired military Drill Sergent who was administering the ASVAB. I won't forget finishing the test, or how I got told to shut up, when I raised my hand like I was supposed to, to request to go to the bathroom. They almost didn't let me go, but finally, one of the men escorted me into the tech building next door and waited outside the door while I peed, so he could make sure I wasn't cheating.

I'll never forget finally being excused, and hearing people laughing and joking about the attack, like it was all some big practical joke. I won't forget how when we met up with McLain and Joel for our last class of Choir together, they told us how they had been told all day, the tv's would remain off. That despite the fact that our school had an experimental contract of some sort with a cable company, no teacher had decided or perhaps been allowed to turn the news on. How they had left their college study class since the internet was too jammed up to broadcast their class, snuck off campus and had gone to McLain's house and watched all they could, so they could come back and tell all of us.

I will never forget my Choir director talking to all of us, then slowly walking over and trying to turn the TV on to the news. (For some reason it didn't work) Or how he told us he was excusing us if we wanted to leave early, even though he knew he wasn't allowed to do any of this. I remember one girl collapsed into her friends lap sobbing.

I remember being angry and sad and afraid when I got home and my mom was glued to the TV in the middle of the day, which never happened. Watching it all and wondering what would happen to my brother who was supposed to be coming back from Brazil in a few short weeks.

I wrote the following in my journal that night.

" 9/11/01 Page no. 135- I will never forget this day. Today 4 American planes were hijacked - 2 of them crashed into the World Trade towers, causing them to later collapse and kill 100's to 1000's of people. Another one crashed into the Pentagon, killing they believe around 800 people- the fourth plane was, they believe, headed for Camp David but crashed prematurely. I still can't believe it is all real, it seems that it is a dream I should be waking up from, a nightmare really. They don't know at this time who is behind the attacks but all air travel has been grounded. People in Pakistan are celebrating while we mourn for the loss of thousands. People reported seeing people jump from what they thought was around the 90th floor windows- knowing they would die anyway and then moments later - the building collapsed. 200 Fire fighters that went to fight the blazes are now missing and most presumably dead since the buildings collapsed several minutes after they entered the building - Smoke and debris clouds continue to loom in NYC as other buildings continue to burn. 266 people died on the 4 planes - in pictures shown, you can see no plane parts. 2 people have been removed from the ruble of the towers and there is said to be people trapped in the ruble that are calling from cell phones to receive help- One man go out of tower 2 seconds before it collapsed leaving all his friends in the building. The President of the United States as well as the President of the Church both spoke today - I cried. Yet people in NYC were seen to continue to shop after the buildings were hit, it sickens me. I feel scared for the future, scared for the threat of war if we find those responsible that are still alive. President Bush said "Today we were attacked by a faceless coward." I think that is true. Many people are comparing this to Pearl Harbor. I believe this day too will live in infamy. I am tired and sad, and angry, and hurt and I feel hollow inside and cheated somehow. I feel sorrow for those who's loved ones they will never see again. My sense of security has been breached and altered and exposed. People that aren't upset about this make me sick. I know we, and I, have to go on as usual, but I can't. My perspective has been changed. Life has changed. I weep for my nation and pray for a better day tomorrow, a day of peace! Life has changed some as I knew it. What I did while most of this was going on was sit in the middle school cafeteria and take a stupid ASVAB test and have this stupid retired Military guy tell me to shut up while I was taking the test with the rest of the Jr. Class and tell them to shut up. And people ignorantly went through the day talking of what we had heard was going on and laughing and joking. Then going to my college chem class tonight after seeing the news and wanting to be home and cry. I will never forget today. People suffered and endured and cried and healed themselves together today. Now we have to keep going for all the tomorrows to come. Giving blood and services has been asked and remaining calm as possible. Living, just living."

I grew up in a very patriotic household, knowing my grandfather had served in WWII, and what had happened to him and his buddies around one fateful 4th of July. Why he loved and hated the holiday. I grew up knowing how to care for and respect a flag that was flown often. I grew up feeling pride that my dad had answered the call to Vietnam, even if he never saw action. But I'm sad to say, because of this day, it took a lot of years and a wonderful husband who is dedicated to serving his country, to change my perspective of the Military. I remember thinking, "Why are we doing this? This test doesn't matter? What is happening in the world? Shouldn't you guys, of all people, be watching the news or taking action or something? Is there going to be another attack somewhere closer? What is going on!?"

I still hate how I was treated that day. I hate that no one thought we were strong enough to know the truth and be allowed to watch it and mourn together, until that final teacher. I hated feeling oppressed and closed off from the world in that stupid cafeteria. I know they were probably just doing their jobs, but I still hate it. While it renewed my sense of how precious my freedom was, it also taught me a tough lesson in complacency and oppression.

I too remember how for the next year or two after that, you could see flags everywhere. There was a renewed sense of togetherness. I wish our country really remembered. I wish and pray that we can smart enough to buoy up the things that unite us, instead of focusing on the things that divide us.

I live with this everyday. I wasn't there, but now more than ever, it affects me. Every day I fear we will wake again to something of this nature, and that this time, it won't be strangers. This time it won't be a proud, but faceless, soldier heading off to do his duty, but my soldier.